Monster
by Electric Dream
Summary: Tag To 4.21 When The Levee Breaks. One shot into Sam's mind.


**Where I live the episode When The Levee Breaks was recently aired and this little one shot came to life out of it. This Sam looking back at the fight scene at the end between him and Dean. Hope you enjoy this one shot and reviews are awesome as I always say in every chapter. **

Monster.

His words echoed throughout my head and sent a violent shiver down my spine. Tears pricked at my eyes but I'll be damned if I allowed him to see this one moment of weakness. I would rather go to hell then allow him to see how that one word had affected me.

I'm not the monster here. Why can't he see past his own fucking pathetic self righteous façade to see this? Why does he refuse to see the advantage to what I've become? What I became for him!

Dean was in hell. My whole world hurtled down the fiery pit with him and I was left alone. A dead shell of my former self. Depression and alcohol was what got me through each and every day but when one day turned to another I couldn't quite tell.

For a while this was my whole existence until I was given another purpose, I was given strength from an unlikely source. Ruby came and changed my world; she filled in the hole Dean had left. She gave me power and a purpose to live. To destroy Lilith for everything she had ever done. To avenge my then late brothers death.

I drank the blood for him; I became stronger and used my powers for him. Everything I did was for Dean. Why can't he see this? What is so hard for him to understand about that?

All my life I have looked up to he, my big brother, my rock, my protector and the boy who was more of a father to me than I even think he realized. All my life I have followed blindly in his footsteps and trusted him through my sheer love and blind faith for him. But the one time I ask, no practically beg, for this same trust and same faith, he refuses.

Why? Because he thinks I am becoming a monster. Because he trusts the angels more than his own brother. Because he is too fucking weak and broken to think straight.

That man in front of me is not my Dean. He is not my brother I know and loved. No he is a poor substitute, a mere shadow of his former self only he doesn't seem to see it. Either that or he refuses to acknowledge this fact.

My Dean would have followed me to the end of the earth and back, hell I would have done the same for him. My Dean sold his soul for me so I could have a chance to live my life. Well I am living it. I'm living it my way for once.

I am living up to my full potential like my big brother always used to say I should when we were younger and carefree. But of course Mr. contradicts thinks that this isn't good enough, that I am becoming corrupted by the blood and that this potential isn't meant to be me.

What the hell does he know about me?

Nothing.

He doesn't know the real me like he thinks he does. Ok…fair enough he managed to track me down but trust me that was sheer luck and sloppiness on my part.

Apart from that he doesn't know me at all. He doesn't know about the nightmares that plague my mind every night, he doesn't know the whole story of what happened when he was in hell. He doesn't know jack shit.

He might like to think he does, or pretend that I am his Sammy but that doesn't make it a part of reality. No amounts of wishing can and believe me I know.

I spent many nights during those four months wishing to have my brother back by my side. To hear his annoying smart ass remarks about anything and everything. To have him in front of me being his usual protective and possessive self.

I would have given anything for Dean to come back to me. I almost gave my life but then I knew that my elder brother would have died in vain and there was no way I was going to let that happen. I wasn't going to allow him to suffer in hell because he brought me to life for me to go and kill myself. No…I had too much love and admiration for my brother to allow that to happen.

Now I am glad that I hadn't. I'm glad I am still here on this earth and been given a chance to destroy Lilith once and for all. That bitch was going to die and it was going to be by my hand in my way. I don't give a fuck what Dean wants me to do, or what he feels is right.

My mind is made up, my body craves the blood and the power and I can't give it up. Not yet, not while that demon is still alive in some sense.

Afterwards…well…if there was an afterwards…I hope that maybe Dean would see my way, he would see that I was right all along and allow me to be the strong one for once and allow me to protect him once in a while. Afterwards I hope that we could go back to how we used to be.

I hope that we could be brothers again. He is all the family I have left even though my actions might contradict this; I still need him in my life. By my side, just like we used to be. We are family and there is no way to turn this on and off no matter what.

My hopes of this diminished as soon as I heard that dreaded and hated words escape my brother's lips.

Monster.

The way he looked at me, those glassy green eyes showed a coldness I had never seen directed towards me. Those lips pulled into a tight expression and I could tell he was on the verge of a breakdown whether it was through anger or sorrow I had no idea.

I couldn't take it no more. I couldn't stand to look at him for much longer. But if I had would I have noticed those tears falling softly down his cheek, or the dead agonized flash cross his eyes or the slight tremble of his lips. Would I have noticed the complete and utter grief and defeat within my elder brother's body language?

No…probably not. I was too far gone. Too far gone with anger and determination.

My patented Winchester stubbornness had my mind focused on one goal and one goal only and this caused me to block out anything and anyone else around me.

Dean had always told me that I am like our father in that sense. Driven to the brink of madness and despair due to stubbornness that was impossible to control. Driven to complete and utter obsession until we gained what we wanted most.

In my father's case it was the death of the yellow eyed demon that had started off our misery and hatred. In my case it was the death of Lilith and being the one to kill her for revenge. We were both out for revenge and both blinded to the effects it was having to those who loved us most.

In the end it was Dean who had killed the demon; it was Dean who set our father free to rest in silent peace.

Now it was my turn to kill Lilith. I have to do it. There is no way around it. I just have to. I can't let Dean muscle in and take over the only purpose for my existence. I can't let him take my existence from me like I took his. I just can't.

So that was what led me to that one moment of pure anger directed to the only person I truly loved. The only person who had been there the whole of my life and the only person I would willingly die for, broken or not.

When that first punch came it shocked even me. At that moment all that was running through my head was the word monster.

I wasn't a monster. I was just trying to avenge Dean. I was doing it all for him and the blind bastard didn't even seem to care about that. All he could think about was the fact that it was wrong. As if he hasn't done anything wrong in his life.

He isn't a saint. Far from it actually and yet he was chosen by angels. Angels that he didn't truly believe in. He had no faith, no belief in heaven whereas I had the whole of my life. I prayed, wished and believed and where had that led me?

Right where I was now. Obsessed with revenge and power and lost without some sense of guidance within my life. When Ruby came along she pulled me out of my dark abyss and set me on my path. And I was going to complete this journey whether it kills me or not.

With Dean or without him.

Watching my brother lying on the floor beneath me, helpless and weak made everything seem to move in slow motion. I saw how vulnerable he actually was, how scared and pathetic he looked compared to me. Strong with unimaginable power.

In my hands I had the power to squeeze the very life out of him with one single thought. I could hurt him in many different ways without even having to lift a finger.

At that time I wanted to. Oh Jesus did I want to.

When he threw some punches of his own, well this caused my anger to spike at an all time high and I was working off of pure adrenaline.

Before I knew it he was on the floor by my feet with my hands restricting his airflow. His cheeks were turning the most amusing shade of purple. His green eyes wide with unshed tears as they bored into my soul, shattering my heart in two.

He reminded me of a floundering goldfish that had been taken out of the water by a child and left to wiggle on the floor until death. That or an ant underneath a magnifying glass, completely powerless to stop the child from frying it alive.

And it was me that was causing this. I was the one choking him death. I was the one putting the final nail into his coffin after months of slowly killing him inside.

Every day I could see the light diminish slightly in his eyes. Could see the pain and grief threaten to overwhelm him and I was the one causing it. It was me…

Removing my hands my mouth spoke of its own accord. At that moment I was a mere puppet to my anger. I was letting it control me without giving off any fight of my own.

His eyes spoke more than he would ever admit. I could see his heart shatter into a million pieces and it was taking all of my self control not to breakdown and embrace Dean. Tell him that I was sorry and I want to be brothers again. To do things his way.

No I wasn't weak like that anymore. I was my own person and I wasn't going to give into him. Afterwards I would. Afterwards I would crawl back to him on my hands and knees if needed to. I would beg for his forgiveness not that I really needed it but after all he is my brother. All I have left apart from Ruby.

Turning away from him to the door caused agony and grief to flow through my entire body. I was walking out on him once more. It was like leaving for Stanford all over again but this time it was worse.

You want to know why? Well because this time it was Dean who uttered those words not my father. It was Dean who told me that if I walked out of that door then I should never come back.

The old Sam would have crumpled then, unable to comprehend a life without his elder brother. He would have turned right around and stayed by Dean's side.

But me…the 'monster'. I paused at the door, there were no words to describe what I was feeling at this point, and then I left without another hesitation or a second thought.

Knowing that I was likely to never see Dean again. I was never going to have my big brother there to protect me, look after me when I am sick, save me when I get captured or dry my tears when the world becomes too much.

I had destroyed the bond we once shared. Severed it through my stubbornness to a point where I was sure it was far from fixable.

As the door closed behind me I knew I had twisted the knife in Dean's back for the last time. I had nailed the last point in the coffin and now there was no return.

There was no afterwards, not for me, not for my brother and not for us.

No more Sam and Dean. Now it was just Sam without Dean and Dean without Sam.

That day I lost more than I had in my whole life.

I lost my father.

I lost my mother.

I lost my best friend.

I lost my savior.

I lost my rock.

I lost my brother.

I lost apart of myself.

I lost _my_ Dean.


End file.
